Snakes On A Plane

I just came across this music contest where the winner gets their song used in the upcoming movie, Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane? Now, I don't know about you, but when I hear the words "Snakes on a Plane", my pupils dilate and my breathing gets shallow: Does Snakes on a Plane actually mean deadly snakes loose on an airplane? Oh man, that would be sooooo awesome!!!! Not since Gymkata have I been this intrigued by a movie title.

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Wait, wait. I've been disappointed in the past. The title is probably a cryptic metaphor meant to expand the mind as the story unfolds and reveals its true meaning. Booorrrring. Sort of like Million Dollar Baby, a Clockwork Orange and Octopussy, the actual movie has little relation to the title; it's all just highbrow art. Snakes on a Plane is no doubt a similarly boring fare, steeped in subtle illuminations of the human condition. I'll pass thank you.

But then I read the synopsis:

Snakes on a Plane stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent who is escorting an eye witness on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles when a crimelord sets in motion the release of hundreds of deadly snakes on the commercial airplane in order to eliminate the witness before he can testify against him. The FBI agent must protect his witness while banding together with the pilot, frightened crew and passengers in a desperate attempt to survive.

Whoa!!! Ok, now I'm totally pumped. There is no way this movie can't be awesome. And it gets better, the trailer starts off with Sam Jackson saying:

Enough is enough. [cocks gun] I've had it with these snakes.

OH SHIT!!!!!

I bet the movie has some treehugger character who's all like "These snakes are endangered and should be protected. We must treat them with respect, like we would want to be treated" just before a snake hiding in his tweed jacket bites him in the face and he dies a painful convulsive death. Stupid treehugger, he'll never learn.

I also bet there is a scene where it looks like they finally outwitted the snakes, and things get calm. In the calm, the old lady is sleeping quietly in a chair. Too quietly. Someone nudges the lady, it's time to get up. She doesn't wake, doesn't move. Another nudge. She slumps over sideways, the camera zooms in on the face. Her mouth opens, its looks like she's going to say something. But no, instead a snake slithers out. AAAIIEEE!!! Somehow the snake crawled into her mouth while sleeping! (I hear this happens a lot when camping)

I predict this movie is going to be the next Star Wars, the next Godfather, the next Matrix. It will weave itself into the fabric of our culture. Like Jaws did for beach go-ers, people will be afraid to fly. Airlines will need to get certified snake handlers as flight attendants, just to assuage the fears of a snake attack breaking out at 30,000 feet. The SkyMall will have a whole section for snake-proof travel gear. Your seat bottom now doubles as a snake-resistant floatation shield. The Crocodile Hunter will become the spokeman for a major airline:
"G-day! See this deadly snake I'm dangling inches from my genitals? It's the Inland Taipan, the most deadly snake in the world, one bite will cause a painful death as you slowly bleed from your eyeballs. She's a real beaute!

Unlike other airlines, Delta airlines has a 20 point snake inspection before each flight, making the threat of Taipan bites during your flight a thing of the past. Does your airline check for snakes? Fly Delta and don't get bitten! Crikey!"

This movie cannot come soon enough. Snakes on a Plane, thank you for giving me a reason to live.

Posted March 17, 2006 3:01 PM