Open letter to my toilet

Look, I don't know what it is I do that makes you do this, but this has got to end. You cannot keep clogging up on me. I always worry my next encounter with you will be a huge disasterous mess. I live in fear. I've given up Thai food.

Is it a cry for attention? Do we not clean you enough? Do you want the blue water? We can get you the blue water, it's not too much. Nothing is too much. Anything just to not to have to get the plunger. I hate getting the plunger. What am I supposed to do once I've plunged you? It's disgusting, am I supposed to wash it or something? Am I supposed to wash my plunger on a daily basis?

I guess I deserve it. I know what I put you through, it can't be easy. It can't, I can barely stand it myself, and it was just in me. I can't imagine what its like for you. I feel bad, I do. But does this make it any better for you? Does it? Now we're both suffering? This is progress?

Because I'm sensitive to your needs, I'm willing to:
- Buy you the blue water.
- Flush once halfway through, then again at the end.
- Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
- Light a match.

All you have to do is make sure I don't have to get the plunger. Deal?

Posted April 28, 2006 11:36 PM

Comments

No deal. I want the snake and I'll keep on barfin' 'till I get it.

Toliet, April 29, 2006 12:57 AM

Maybe your toilet just needs some space. Perhaps you've been smothering it lately. If you love your toilet, set it free.

Dr. Fill, April 30, 2006 12:35 AM

Hehe... "Dr. Fill". Good one.

Damien, April 30, 2006 10:03 AM

Don't you have a toddler? I once had a sporadic flushing problem only to discover that one of my kids had flushed a toothbrush - which could only partially negotiate the inner curves. Disassembly required.

tb, May 4, 2006 11:26 PM

This is fantastic. I nearly had my wife rolling on the floor as I dramatically read this. You, sir, get a trackback.

Daniel, May 9, 2006 12:46 AM

Maybe it just needs more hygiene?

http://www.b3ta.com/board/5929498

(Only slightly on topic, but when I saw it this morning I thought of you. Ain't that nice?)

John Smart, May 18, 2006 10:24 AM

That thing is scary John.

Damien, May 18, 2006 12:56 PM