Open letter to my toilet

Look, I don't know what it is I do that makes you do this, but this has got to end. You cannot keep clogging up on me. I always worry my next encounter with you will be a huge disasterous mess. I live in fear. I've given up Thai food.

Is it a cry for attention? Do we not clean you enough? Do you want the blue water? We can get you the blue water, it's not too much. Nothing is too much. Anything just to not to have to get the plunger. I hate getting the plunger. What am I supposed to do once I've plunged you? It's disgusting, am I supposed to wash it or something? Am I supposed to wash my plunger on a daily basis?

I guess I deserve it. I know what I put you through, it can't be easy. It can't, I can barely stand it myself, and it was just in me. I can't imagine what its like for you. I feel bad, I do. But does this make it any better for you? Does it? Now we're both suffering? This is progress?

Because I'm sensitive to your needs, I'm willing to:
- Buy you the blue water.
- Flush once halfway through, then again at the end.
- Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
- Light a match.

All you have to do is make sure I don't have to get the plunger. Deal?

Posted April 28, 2006 11:36 PM